Addiction, Problematic Usage and Compulsive Behaviour

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We all form relationships with people, things, and behaviours, but in most cases, they cause little to no harm.  For example people  have relationships with alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, sex or pornography without any issue.  Ideally, if we noticed that our relationship with something was negatively affecting our lives or relationships, we'd choose to reduce it or let it go. However, there are times when we’re so deeply involved that we fail to see the damage it’s causing. Other times, we may be aware of the harm but feel so reliant on what we're doing that stopping seems almost impossible. If it becomes the most significant thing in our lives that we can't stop, despite its negative consequences, it has become compulsive or addictive.

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Its possible to compulsively or addictlively use more than one thing.  For example a problem gambler could also use cocaine - with both the drug and behaviour becoming crossed together fueling bigger highs, intense experiences - leading to larger risks and losses.  Conversely a food addict might also compulsively use the gym, with the two behaviors driving each other.

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If you’re concerned about your relationship with a drug or behaviour, then you might be further along the path of recovery than you think.  Even beginning to acknowledge that you may have a problem is a massive step, because many people stay in denial.  Sometimes it takes a crisis like the loss of a job or relationship for someone to seek help.

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I work with addictions and compulsive behaviours and am one of a few counsellors in Northern Ireland who have specialist training and experience in working with compulsive/addictive use of sex and pornography.

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Sex and Pornography Addiction

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Compulsive use of porn or sex can take many forms, and have far reaching consequences - easily escalating to addictive levels, and becoming out of control.  This can happen due to the ‘highs’ associated with them - just like alcohol or drugs. Surprisingly, sex and porn addiction has got little to do with liking a lot of a particular sexual activity and might not even be sexually motivated.  The behaviour can be emotionally driven, used to manage strong, uncomfortable or painful feelings that have become too difficult to bear alone.  Because of the important role managing these feelings that sex or porn has become it feels impossible to stop.

 

People who have a problematic or addictive relationship with sex or porn often spend a lot of time thinking about it, and repetitively engaging with it, despite it having harmful consequences in their life – which is a hallmark of a problem.  They may have tried to stop before but not been able to stay stopped.  The use of sex or porn escalates over time - with the individual left needing more to have the desired ‘high’ effect.  Oftentimes, after using, there are strong feelings of shame which can further drive the cycle of use.

​Because  sex and porn addiction is particularly shame bound, it makes it hard for people to seek help and support from friends or professionals and this can leave people feeling stuck, helpless and isolated.

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The Role of Shame

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Shame is one of the most crippling and painful emotions that can be felt.  It’s so powerful, that even witnessing it in others can be hard to bear.  For some who struggle with compulsive sex or porn usage, shame has been a feature of their lives, long before sex or porn became problematic - for others, it’s the behaviours that cause shame.  Because shame sustains addiction – we must create the right environment to work with it.    Shame thrives in secrecy and fear of judgement – but – in the presence of empathy and understanding it looses its power and that's why the quality of the therapeutic relationship is so important.  Essentially it means that the relationship feels safe for you to express how you feel whilst being understood and valued without any judgement.

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Alcohol, Drugs, Gambling 

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The use of alcohol, recreational drugs and gambling is common place in society.  However, due to the nature of the powerful effects it has, it can often motivate people to use again and again, despite negative consequences to their life.  It can affect other areas of life like work, relationships, finances, physical and emotional health.   Sometimes, someone may need the support of a Medical Professional to advise on a managed withdrawal before attending counselling.  If this is the case, a GP can make a referral to the Community Addictions Team. 

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How can counselling help?

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Increased tolerance often results in users going deeper into their drug or behaviour of choice maintain the high, and this can result in high levels of shame and self-loathing.  Often, being able to speak with someone without fear of judgement can offer some Immediate relief and a space to talk about urges, behaviours and feelings.   We can look at the impact on your relationships and other areas of life, helping you can decide what to do.  Counselling can help you understand how addiction is sustained, identify triggers and offer some tools to strengthen recovery.  An integrative way of working means that we can combine different approaches to how we work, like the use of CBT to challenge unhelpful thoughts, and psychodynamic or trauma-informed approaches to explore underlying emotional pain, childhood experiences or attachment issues that might be linked to the behaviours.  

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