Understanding what’s going on

 

We all form relationships with behaviours—whether that’s alcohol, gambling, food, or sex. Most of the time, they don’t cause significant problems.  But sometimes, that relationship changes.  You might begin to notice it affecting your life or relationships, yet still feel unable to stop. In these moments, the behaviour often isn’t just a habit—it’s become something you rely on.  Over time, these patterns can develop - sometimes as ways of coping—helping to manage difficult feelings such as loneliness, stress, anxiety, or disconnection. Even if they no longer feel helpful, they may still be serving a function.  That’s why willpower alone often isn’t enough to change things.

 

Compulsive Sex and Pornography 

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Compulsive use of sex or pornography can take many forms and can escalate over time.  It’s not simply about liking a particular activity. In many cases, the behaviour is emotionally driven—used to manage feelings that have become difficult to tolerate alone.  

People often find themselves:

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• thinking about it frequently

• returning to it repeatedly

• continuing despite negative consequences

 

Afterwards, there can be strong feelings of shame—which can then feed back into the cycle and keep it going.  Because of this, many people feel stuck, isolated, and unsure how to change things.  Completing the CSBD-19 questionnaire can provide a useful starting point for understanding your concerns about pornography or sexual behaviour. It explores difficulties with control, the priority the behaviour takes in your life, and its consequences.  

 

The role of shame

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Shame is often at the centre of these patterns.  For some, it has been present long before the behaviour became a problem. For others, it develops as a result of what’s happening. Either way, it can make it much harder to seek support.  Shame tends to grow in secrecy and fear of judgement. In a space where there is understanding and no judgement, it can begin to lose its hold.  This is why the quality of the therapeutic relationship is so important.

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I also recommend that people have a look at the "Sex Addiction FAQ's" section of the ATSAC Website which answers common questions.  You'll also find some other resources here, ​including a self-help online course and an online support group. 

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If you recognise any of yourself in this, it can be a relief to begin making sense of it rather than continuing to struggle with it alone.  When you feel ready, contact me to arrange a free, 20 minute phone call to get a feel for how it is to talk things through with me, with no obligation.